Management talk

July 3, 2008 at 4:01 pm | In Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Just had the announcement of our latest re-org. Apparently theyre halving the pay-outs to people they make redundant this time (because they’re keen not to lose anybody!!!???).

Class quotation from the announcement?

“We’re very keen to minimise the inconvenience to the maximum extent possible!”

Re-org is also including an office move, where we’ve been proudly told that the innovative new office communications systems have been modeled on the film ‘The Devil Wears Prada’. We’ve been wracking our brains, and the only really innovative use of communications we can think of in that particular movie was the use of a coat which, when dropped on an employee’s desk, was an indication that they had fallen out of favour with the boss.

I’m really looking forward to getting my new management communications pack. I could use a new coat this winter!

it’s not Constantinople!

May 11, 2008 at 6:45 pm | In Business Travel | Leave a Comment

in my experience, there is no surer way of guaranteeing that you’ll end up in the same tourist shitholes as all the other tourists than if you read a guide about the city you are visiting before you arrive.

That’s why i go commando. I visit armed only with a sense of wonder and the firm knowledge that my reciepts can be claimed back as travel expenses.

Normally my strategy works well for me. I get to experience things like the locals do, by asking them where they eat, drink etc.

Unfortunately it sometimes backfires.

Thats how i ended up eating pasta in an italian restaurant in istanbul tonight. Good italian. But i had prepared my taste buds for turkish!

Magic carpet time!

April 22, 2008 at 10:22 am | In Business Travel | Leave a Comment

The worst thing about being a business traveller is when you have to keep visiting the same location week in and week out. There is only so much exploring you can do before it loses all it’s foreign charm and becomes just another workplace.

That’s why I’m a happy boy today. I’ve just been told to be in Turkey in a couple of weeks time, and also started discussions about a trip to Kenya.

Never been to either destination, but greatly looking forward to both!

‘isms in the workplace

March 31, 2008 at 10:26 am | In Random musings | Leave a Comment

About 7 1/2 years ago, I made a big change in my life, and left the cozy comfort of things that I knew well in sunny South Africa, to go and join the civilised world of Europe.

I think that one of the things that I relished most about working in Europe was getting away from the bizarre concept that, somehow people in south Africa thought that the way to fix a past discrimination was to create a new form of discrimination to replace the old one. That, and to give it a name with better PR. So racism was replaced with ‘Affirmative Action’. I don’t remember what sexism was replaced by, but it was probably something along the lines of ‘equal opportunities’ or something like that. Bottom line is that the basic problem remained. One lot of people got screwed so that another lot of people could get ahead, without any consideration being given to their competence, capability or value to the business.

Fast forward nearly 8 years, and here I am in England. I’ve had black bosses, and been the boss of some black people. I’ve had woman bosses, and managed some women. All going well then? No. Turns out that one of the women who works for me has been invited to join our company’s ‘women’s advancement forum’. A forum of women from every level of our company that meets once per month to provide a platform for women to get promoted quickly to senior positions.

Now, before everybody gets up in arms, I have no problem with women in senior positions. I work with senior women every day, and for the most part, I have nothing but respect for them, same as my male colleagues.

The thing that gets my goat is the fact that there is this secretive forum purely focused on promoting women through the company. In a truly ‘equal opportunities’ company, this sort of forum would be looking at people across the business, and promoting them – regardless of black, white, woman or man. Until then, there is no equality, and never will be.

Midlife Crisis

March 27, 2008 at 4:40 pm | In Random musings | 5 Comments

In a desperate attempt to hang onto the last vestiges of youth, I went out and did what all men my age seem to do (either go out and buy a Porsche or a motorcycle – I could afford the motorcycle).

She’s shiny, and black, and red – a Yamaha R6, and she is awesome!

Wow, how bikes have changed since I last owned one in the early 1990’s. The balance of the bike is just unbelievable! Also, the power.

Puts a grin on my face every morning when I head into work!

Heavies in office

March 18, 2008 at 2:39 pm | In Random musings | Leave a Comment

This morning I arrived at the corporate HQ, and immediately noticed that each door into the buildings on the campus had security staff positioned at it, looking like nightclub bouncers, complete with secret service ear-pieces.

I wasn’t the only one who noticed, and we started a little office pool as to what the reason was.

I won. This afternoon the company announced that 450 people in the HQ are being made redundant.

Please let it be me!

Quantum of Solace

March 17, 2008 at 1:40 pm | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

So the other day I’m sitting on a delayed plane from somewhere to somewhere (it’s been happening allot lately, so I forgot which time it was), and I was reading about the up-coming Bond film in some random newspaper or magazine, I should have saved it so I could write specifics, but I didn’t.

Anyway, some stupid twat was writing about how the name ‘Quantum of Solace’ was a departure from traditional Bond film names, and how Bond fans would have to get used to this new sort of name.

What?

So, for your twattish information – person who felt qualified to write an article aimed at Bond fans:-

In a little book called ‘For your eyes only’, Ian Flemming actually published a collection of short Bond stories rather than the normal single Bond  novel. Some of them even became movies that you may have heard of, since the first short story in this book is called ‘A view to a kill’, and the second short story was ‘For your eyes only’. The 3rd is called ‘A Quantum of Solace’, and is a very short story about a boring cocktail party Bond has to attend, where he is told a story.

The ‘Quantum of Solace’ relates to the last grain of human kindness in a relationship.

tedium calculations

January 25, 2008 at 7:56 pm | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

while sitting on a plane at heathrow today, waiting for a parking spot, i started to calculate just how much my hair had grown while waiting for delayed planes in the last week.
Based on a hair growth rate average of .44mm per day, i figure that my hair has grown .26mm while waiting for delayed flights in the last week.
It’s been a bad week!

My new pet hate

January 24, 2008 at 2:52 pm | In Business Travel | Leave a Comment

As a business traveller, I obviously spend a large amount of time in cars heading to and from airports.

When in the UK, I use a company that sends a well-dressed person to collect me in an automobile of German origin with a 3 pointed start or blue and white propeller on the bonnet and the number ‘7′ or the letter ‘S’ on the boot.

It’s good on 3 levels. The first is that I don’t have to park my shiny car at the airport where idiots are going to scratch it. The second is that the company pays for it, so it costs me nothing. The third is that I get to pull out my laptop and do some work in the car, or as is the case right now, write random missives on my blog. Last week I spent about 4 hours in their cars, so it’s good that they are comfortable…

Anyway, on to the new pet hate. The nice man that came to collect me today was wearing a neatly pressed 3-piece suit, which I like. He took my bags, and put them in the boot – which I like. He opened the door for me, called me sir, and closed the door behind me again – which I like.

The fucker hasn’t stopped dropping these silent farts that I’m sure he thinks don’t smell – for the entire half an hour that I’ve been in the car now, and doesn’t show any sign of stopping any time soon… That’s my new pet hate!

A sad, sad day

January 18, 2008 at 10:07 am | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

Today, I am in mourning.

Yes, that constant companion to all business travellers, Jenna Jameson, has announced her retirement from the porn industry.

Business travel will never be the same again.

We’ll miss you Jenna.

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