Business Traveller

The first time I told anybody this story – after they finished laughing – they told me to start a blog. It's taken a while, but here is is…

In 2003 I was sent on a business trip to Budapest for a week. My boss, knowing that trouble has a way of finding me, and also having lived in Budapest for a while – warned me to be really careful there. Actually, he told me not to go to any nightclubs or casinos – unless I wanted to be found floating face-down in the Danube.

Fortunately I was booked into a 5-star hotel on the Pest side, and it was a really nice hotel. On the first night there, I took a little walk up to the Danube, and it was really pretty – especially looking across the river towards Buda. It was also -27C, and my London coat just wasn't really up to the job, so I went back to the hotel to see what my options were.

I stopped in at the hotel's spa, and saw that they had really good facilities – A Sauna, A big heated pool, massage (you can start to see where this is going, can't you?)…

I had never had a massage – other than the lady who was hired by the company to sort our necks and shoulders out – because I was always a little worried that I couldn't tell which places would offer a real massage from the places that offered a "massage" <wink, wink>. Budapest is famous for its spas and the Hotel was a well known one – and a 5 start one to-boot, so I thought that this would be a great time to see what the fuss is about.

I booked a massage with the hairy Hungarian guy at the Spa reception desk, and he told me it would be about 20 minutes, but that I should definitely have a sauna first as this would relax me nicely for the massage.

After 20 minutes in the sauna, the same hairy Hungarian guy came to fetch me from the sauna, and took me to a massage studio. He removed my towel and asked me to lie down. I was lying there, face-down, thinking "Surely he's going to cover em with a towel – in the movies they always cover you with a towel", but there was no towel. I was seriously getting tense and uncomfortable when he started the massage at my ankles. Then I thought "Don't be stupid. Nothing ever really happens like it does in the movies (like the L-shaped sheets – where the guy's chest is out, and the woman is completely covered). Relax or else you're going to leave the massage more tense than when it started"

As the massage progressed, I did relax, and it was really very good (apart from some tension that found it's way back into my muscles when he paid my posterior some unwelcome attention – but he moved up my back, and everything was fine again).

After a while, he asked me to turn over – and I really didn't want to do that. Being naked on a table in-front of anybody would freak me out, but this guy's hair on his knuckles had hair on it's knuckles. He asked again, and I rolled over – thinking "Now there has to be a towel", but there wasn't.

I managed to relax again as he went up my legs by reminding myself that this was a good hotel, with a reputation to maintain – but then there was some brushing with his fore-arm when he got to the top of my leg, and I was instantly tense again. He just moved on to the other leg though, so I figured it must have been an accident.

At the top of the other leg, there was brushing again, an I though "It had better be an accident", but then he moved to my chest, and I started to relax again. The he did my arms, and I was really relaxed when he stopped, and I opened my eyes just in time to see him heading down towards my bits with his mouth open as he cupped me with his one hand.

I did what any red blooded man would do in this situation – I screamed like a girl, grabbed my towel, and ran (Men fighting naked when the other guy is dressed is another thing that only happens in movies).

Here's the killer though. When I checked out of the hotel at the end of the week, the guy had charged me for the massage. I really wanted to complain, but there was a queue of other people checking out behind me, and I could just see how it would sound – "I'm not paying for the massage because the masseuse molested me…"