Business Traveller

When I say ‘How are you?’, it’s mostly just being polite.

I work with you.

I’m being civil.

Even if I kind-of like you as a person, and we are friends, the correct answer to ‘How are you?’ is a nice polite ‘OK thanks’ if things aren’t going too well. Or even a ‘Fantasitc’ when they are. I don’t even mind a ‘I have a bit of a cold, how are you?’.

Even if it is true, and it’s something that you are really worried about, don’t EVER say ‘I have this really worrying problem with rectal bleeding at the moment – I think I should go and see a Doctor.’

<alert>Rant</alert>

Dear Management of Holiday Inn,

Please allow me to introduce myself to you. This last week I was a customer of yours.

First a little bit about myself. I am a senior manager at the biggest telecommunication company in the world. In addition to a fairly large budget for delivering services to our customers, I have direct signing power over the company travel budget that allows me to authorise up to €50,000 in travel before needing any further approval.  My office is based in the UK, but the last time I spent an entire week in my office was in January. I spend most of my time travelling to other offices around the world. Because I spend so much time travelling – my colleagues often ask me for advice on where to stay when they travel abroad on business or pleasure.

Personally (and this may not seem immediately relevant -  but please, humour me), I am not one to scrimp and save on life’s little luxuries. From my wide-screen TV and it’s associated satellite box with well over 400 channels where I can watch movies, music etc. in my chosen language – to my sumptuous leather sofa. Another thing I think that you should know about is my bed. I bought the best bed I could find. It was expensive. It has individual pocket springs. It has a comfy soft pillow top that allows by body to get the most comfortable night’s sleep that money can buy. If you looked at what was on my bed, you would find that they money I spent didn’t stop at the bed itself. My pillows are the most comfortable pillows that money can buy – with the exact blend of down, latex and foam that keeps my head softly supported for a good night sleep.

Now, please allow me to tell you a little about the week that has just been. On Monday (which was a bank holiday in England) I spent the day flying to Dusseldorf and then driving to Maastricht. On Tuesday, after a day full of meetings, I drove back to Dusseldorf where I had a full day of meetings before rushing to try and make a flight to Milan. I made the flight with seconds to spare, and arrived in Milan aat 9PM. From the airport I paid a man who did his best to kill me a large sum of money to drop me off at the Holiday Inn in Milan on via Lorenteggio.

Is hould at this point say that the Holiday Inn had not been my choice. In Milan I normally stay at the Hilton, but the Hilton was full, and the travel agency that the company uses told me that yours was a wonderfull 4-star hotel, complete with swimming pool, gym etc. I knew how difficult my week was going to be, and I figured that a swim and a little exercise might be exactly the thing I would need to try and get rid of some of the stress that I was going accumulate over the week.

I checked in, and went looking for the pool. I eventually asked the reception desk where the pool and gym where. From what I understood, they have been closed down by the Italian Health Services…

Trying to make the best of a bad lot, I then asked the guy at reception to recommend a good (authentic) Italian restaurant. Imagine my surprise when he told me that the hotel doesn’t do that sort of recommendation because everybody has different tastes.

After finding a restaurant that was absolutely lovely (and less than 5km from your Hotel), I returned to my room to try and get a comfortable night sleep in preparation for some very important meetings that I was due to have the following day. Now, I do understand that everybody has different tastes. I even believe that some people (not me, you understand – but some other people) may like that ‘hasn’t been touched since the ’70s’ look. So when you look at the photo below, please ignore the decor, and concentrate instead on the large rip in the fabric of the couch.

From the feel of the bed, and the pillows, they were possibly older and in worse repair than the couch.

After a night of trying to contort myself around the lumps in the bed, I decided that I nice hot shower would be the thing to sort me out. Guess what, the arm that holds the shower head in position has a bearing on it that is even older and less well maintained than the bed and the couch. The result is that even with a full stream of water (please understand that when I say full stream – I refer to the fact that the tap was open as fully as it can go – not in any way should this be taken as a statement of satisfaction with the volume of water that was produced), the shower head slumped to a point where the water was directed firmly at the wall beneath it – rather than the more usual target of my body.

Please understand therefore that I will (if there is anyway that I can avoid it) never be making use of your hotels again. I will also never recommend your hotels to anybody who I ever want to talk to again (This may actually be good news for you – because my enemies will definitely be pointed at your chain at every opportunity).

I just got my first experience of Autobahn driving. It’s part of my busy week ahead. Monday, fly to Dusseldorf and drive to Maastricht (no direct flights from London apparently). Tuesday Drive from Maastricht to Dusseldorf. Wednesday Fly to Milan, and Thursday fly back to London.

Anyway, at the airport I picked up the keys to my chariot for the day (A fairly crappy A150 Mercedes), and then it was autobahn all the way to Holland.  It was raining heavily in places, and I hit some traffic, and the crappy little rental car wouldn’t go more than 170km/h, but it was fun driving just as fast as the little car could take me. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to push it all the way to 175!

Since the .advent of Amazon, I do most of my book buying on-line. And it’s great. Bookstores are still fun though, and there’s nothing quite like walking through a bookstore and just randomly discovering something new.

In San Francisco, I was doing just that in the Borders book store on Union Square. Sitting there, on a shelf, was a copy of ‘The Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy – complete and unabridged’. The first thing that struck me was that it was bound exactly like a bible. Complete with the same paper, and the same gold-gilded paper edges. When I picked it up, it also listed in the contents a sixth book that I haven’t heard of before – called ‘Young Zaphod plays it safe’. It’s been a few years since I read the books, and my copy of the compendium of the first 4 books got lost somewhere in my move from South Africa to the UK.

When I got back, I started reading, and enjoying, but there was one thing that I wasn’t expecting. It’s been translated into American. Seriously. In this version, the Biros leading a uniquely biroid lifestyle have been replaced by ball-point pens. Hullabaloos are now super-intelligent shades of the color blue, and Zaphod now accuses Arther of being a ‘Semi-intelligently designed hominid’ (that last one was a joke).