Business Traveller

After 7 years of living in England, there are still things that amaze me. They shouldn’t, but they do.

One of the big things at the moment is that people in England can’t seem to see how slimy Gordon Brown is, and how everything he does is motivated by a rabid desire for more power.

He started out his new life as unelected Prime Minister by telling anybody who would listen that he was going to be different – he was going to be the Prime Minister who would listen to the people. Great, except for that he didn’t – especially when people started to tell him that he hadn’t ever listened while he was the chancellor.

Then, and for those who don’t know, I’ll give a little bit of history now -

In the 1600s, there was a move to end the monarchy in England, and a guy called Oliver Cromwell put together a (Catholic) army that deposed the (Anglican) king. Fresh from rescuing the (Protestant) Dutch from the (Catholic) Spanish, William of Orange (A german Prince) came and rescued the young Prince Charles, and took him to Northern Ireland. The Order of Orange still exists in Northern Ireland, and William of Orange is still celebrated by the Dutch, and strangely in carrots (which the Dutch bred from their original Purple to their current Orange – in gratitude to William).

Anyway, I digress. Eventually the Monarchy was re-instated, although it was now a constitutional Monarchy, and young Prince Charles became King Charles. One of the key differences in the new Monarchy was that Parliament now set policies, although the King had a (in theory anyway) veto on all policies – this has never been tested.

Anyway, ever since the re-institution of the monarchy, the Monarch is the first person to whom the Prime Minister shows the parliamentary policies (Thus in theory allowing the Monarch to  exercise a veto, or suggest any ammendments). After this process is completed, the Monarch then presents the policies to the people in the King’s (or more recently the Queen’s) speech. This has happened without exception for nearly 400 years now.

Back to the present day, and Gordon Brown writes his new policies, pops over to the BBC, and reads them out to the people of Britain with a big cheesy grin on his face. Like a president would. Actually, more like a dictator would.

And yet, somehow the power hungry little shit is up in the polls? The fascist that has introduced more stealth taxes than any other leader in British History?

Twat!

When I got confirmation of my upcoming business trip, I went to secure a spot at a really nice kennel for the puppies while I am away. The people there are great, and your dogs normally end up spending their nights at the homes of the staff, and their days being walked in the Open Spaces, and playing frisbee (if you added constant feeding, this would be doggie heaven).

Anyway, so I booked them in, and they asked me what the dogs were. I replied "2 Labradors, one Black Dog, and one Chocolate Bitch."

The horror on her face was frightening, and I couldn't think what it was that I had said. She looked down her nose at me and said "You're obviously a foreigner, but around here, we don't call them bitches". Unfortunately she didn't go on to elaborate on the correct PC etiquette for referring to male and female dogs, so I am still in the dark.

I'm also a little afraid that the ASPCA has been informed of how I am psychologically damaging the poor little thing by calling her names… God I hope not…

Just when I thought I understood Americans, I was watching TV on Saturday night and one of those long advert breaks comes on. I'm actually seriously considering kicking TV completely because watching a movie on American TV is an extraordinarily drawn-out affair. A standard 120 minute movie takes 4 hours to watch once they've popped all the adverts in, and each of the (frequent) advert breaks is also a very long one. I'm talking make an expresso and smoke a cigarette long…

Anyway, so this advert comes on with the usual line-up of drivel that somebody wants you to buy, and the next thing this woman starts talking about how – if you're lonely or depressed or unhappy – "Have you tried God?". I actually choked on my expresso, and dropped my cigarette. Anyway, the lady then went on to say that "God isn't a magic cure for everything…" but he is a great support – and "I should know, I'm the Pastor here at the" xxx Apostolic Church.

Don't misunderstand me – I'm down with God. I even sometimes go to Church (although less than my mother would like). What amazed me was that they were advertising God alongside the latest carpet spot cleaner gadget. I'm I just out of touch when I find that odd?

Those lovely people at my relocation agency have arranged 2 days of Cultural Awareness training for me.

I guess that the idea is that – hopefully – I won't do or say anything that gets the company sued. Probably enhanced by the fact that, being African, I'm about as politically correct as a suicide bomber in Jerusalem.

Anyway, apparently I'm going to be treated to 2 full days of role-playing while they try to systematically purge all my Africanness, all my Maleness, and everything that isn't Californian Liberal out of my system.

I've survived worse, but not much…

Let me start by saying that I haven't seen many fat people in California. Actually, I feel much fatter here than I ever did in London. So much so that I've bought a mountain bike, and a gym membership. I'm eating green stuff almost every day, and am seriously considering buying a scale for the first tim in my life…

Anyway, this morning on TV, there was a news article about how the ambulance services are now having to replace their old ambulances with new (wider) ambulances to accomodate the morbidly obese. They did a demonstration, and these ambulances come with all sort of tricks for lifting fat people in and moving them around… Some highlights were the:-

• Inflatable hover-stretcher (You roll a fat person onto it while it is flat to the ground. You then inflate it to normal stretcher hight so you can either roll the fat person onto a normal stretcher (except wider), or you activate the hover function, and it acts like a hover-craft, and is easier to push)
• The new, wider ambulance doors (to fit wider people through)
• The new wynch system for getting the stretcher into the wider ambulance (so that ambulance people stop getting back problems)

One of my friends has also recently relocated to North Carolina, and he says that he can't believe that it is only the 2nd fattest state in the US, so I guess that the demand must be there.

Something that does irk me slightly though is: why don't they tackle the root of the problem – rather than just accommodating it. If people are seriously too wide to fit into an ambulance, then that's what they should be tackling – isn't it? I mean, how much does the government here spend every year on tackling drugs, because they're bad for you – how many more people are affected by obesity if the ambulance services are doing this big – nationwide replacement?

Just a thought…