How to become British – an idiot’s guide, written by a (newly) British idiot.

November 21, 2006 at 5:04 pm | Posted in Random musings | 9 Comments

This is a question that I sometimes get asked, so I thought I’d put the informaion together for you as I had to figure it all out myself:-

Step 1:

Go to England and find some way to be alowed to stay there. Here there are a number of options that will be personally applicable to you. Some of the more popular options are:-

• Under the skills shortages provisions, you could be able to get a job under the sponsored work visa program. The skills listed as shortages are always changing, but teachers, Doctors, Nurses and Dentists are always in demand. Almost always in the list are also certain technological skills. Info can be found at http://www.workingintheuk.gov.uk/
• Find somebody with a European passport that you’d quite like to marry (A surprising number of Brits want a South African passport too, so you can sometimes do a bit of a deal…)
• Dig deep in your pockets to get to study at a British University (You’ll have to dig realy deeply. Really Really deeply)

Step 2: 

After step 1, you’ll now have a stamp that allows you to stay in the UK. Keep your nose clean for the next 4 years. Also, make sure that you comply with the rules for how many consecutive days and how many days per year you are allowed to be outside of the country (I travelled allot on business, and came close to over-shooting. Believe me, they check. Every single stamp. 3 times.)

Step 4: 

On the 4rth anniversery of your arrival in the UK, you can apply to the Home Office in Croyden for nice new sticker with a hologram to be put in your passport. This sticker will include the words ‘Indefinite Leave to Remain’ – no, you can’t claim the dole yet with this sticker, you have to wait. Another year. Be especially carefull in this year that you don’t exceed the maximum number of days that you’re allowed to be out of the country. Cocking it up at this point would mean that you have to re-start counting 5 years from the beginning again.

Step 5: 

No less than 1 year after you have been issued the residency visa in your passport, you can start the process of becoming a citizen. To begin with, there is a bunch of paperwork. Don’t even try to figure this out yourself. People who do this for a living cock it up. You have no chance of figuring it out yourself. Spend a couple of hundred pounds, and let them sort out the documentation for you. When they tell you to, phone your local ‘Britishness Test’ centre. Don’t worry about studying yet, just get your appointment as the first priority. It’l be somewhere between 3 weeks and 3 years from the date that you make the call. The centre will be staffed by people who cannot speak English, and will not be able to understan anything that you say in English. This is a good test of Britishness. Keep the stiff upperlip, and persevere until you get your appointment. Ask them to let you know if anybody else cancells, so you can have their appointment. They’ll call you the next day, and your appointment will have moved forward to Tuesday. Remeber to apply to the South African home office before applying to

Step 6: 

Go out and buy the special handbook that all Britishness tests are based on (I haven’t given the name, because they might update it – well, they might. Honest.). Read the book. It’s funny. It tells you all about how happy the Scots are to be part of Britain, and how the Colonies all agree about how much we benefitted from British rule. Now wait for your test. On the day of the test, put all thoughts of common sense out of your head. It’s multiple choice, and the politically correct answer is always the right one. Just pay the person who can’t speak English the £30 fee, sit down at the PC, wait for them to figure out how to start the test. Start the test. Wait for them to bring the network back up. Start the test. Work through it quickly as possible (remember to avoid common sense at all costs), and hopefully finish before the network goes down again (It took me 4 minutes). Tell the person who can’t speak English that you finished. Shrug at her incredulous stares. Wait for the network to come up again, and her to figure out how to log in again. Wait for her to figure out how to get your results. Wait for her to figure out how to print the certificate that says you passed. Now wait for the technician to come and fix the printer. Teake you printed certificate hom with you, and send it to the immegration lawyers you hired.

Step 7: 

The lawyers will have sent in your final application, documents, certificate, etc. to the home office. Keep copies of everything, the lawyers, the home office, and the carrer pigeon will all have taken turns at losing something. Ideally get certified copies made. Wait.

 Step 8:

Wait some more

Step 9: 

Shout at the lawyers because they promised you that they would get it for you faster than you could get it yourself. The lawyers will phone their old friend at the Home Office, who will discover what ti is that was lost, and ask you to re-send some bit of key information, like the data for every bowell movement you had in the last 6 years, the pproximate weight, and a quality assessment read off a chart. They will then ask for all your old passports, so that they can make double sure you didn’t spend an extra half-an hour outside of the UK. Stand firm, they’re bluffing. Forenzic scientists couldn’t read some of those stamps.

Step 10: 

You will eventually recieve an invitation to request an invitation to attend your citizenship ceremony. Use the invitation to request your invitation. A few days later, the invitation you requested will arrive. Attend the ceremony, and smile when the minor royal / mayor tells you through grated teeth about how happy he is to invite you foreigners to his pristine country, and how much you’ll enrich England. Read you certificate, and notice that they spelled your name wrong. Send in a written application to have the name changed, with the reasons, and all the documentation you’ve ever had in your name, to prove that it really is your name.

Step 11: 

Around 4 months after you sent you certificate back to ahve the name fixed, you will get the fixed certificate back. Do’t bother to phone before then. They won’t talk to you. Don’t expect an achnologement that they got your application for the change either. They don’t do that. Take your fixed certificate, fill in the forms for your passport (don’t smile in the photos). Get somebody that will claim to have known you for the last 4 years, and who has a degree, to sign that the photo is you. Send off to the passport office (use the Post Office application checking service. It’ll save you months). Wait 3 days, and voila. You have a British passport. The world is now your oyster (use the South African passport to go to South africa though. They get sticky abou that)